dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
