Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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