I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
