the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
