Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
