If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
