Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
