A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
where am i from again
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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