fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
