Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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