you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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