also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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