My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
