Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
