i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
