even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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