dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
