Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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