THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
