You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize