I faked an abortion last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
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She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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