Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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