What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
