I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
