her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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