it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
