If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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