know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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