he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
