my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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