Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I know her cup size but not her name....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
