You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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