I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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