even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
