Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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