i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
