Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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