apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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