This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
