yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
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i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos