You made me cry and you don't even care
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
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My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
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We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child