i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.