I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
