I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
