My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
