You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
