What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
