I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
