I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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