I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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