there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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