New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
