Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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