can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
