Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
