please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
