Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
