Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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